Tuesday, June 21, 2005
| I’m SERIOUSLY PISSED the FUCK OFF (If you are a close friend of mine and you are reading this, I warn you now, it may be best to close the browser and come back tomorrow. Don’t make me apologize for this later. It’s my fucking journal afterall.) I’m definitely going crazy right now. There can be no other possible explanation. For some reason, everyone and everything is getting on my nerves today. It’s like everyone I talk to is so fucking passive aggressive that I’m left after each conversation with a pit of annoyance in my stomach. I’m sure that it’s 50% my fault, but at the same time, it can’t ALL be my fault. It just CAN’T! For example…I had plans to hang out with my friend Mariah tonight. It was going to be a simple hang out with dinner and drinks and talks and probably loud music. Then I found out from Kelly that my friend JoJo would be there. First of all, why Kelly knew this and I didn’t is a little ridiculous to me since I’m the one that was supposed to be hanging out over there. Yet, the real problem is that, while I love me some JoJo, I’m not the strong and capable Joe CuttheShit that I was a while back. I’m doing my best to only do what I want to do these days. It’s hard enough getting through the day and pretending that I’m in a great mood all the time, but when I have to do so on my free time as well...well…let’s just say it’s not as easy for me as it as it used to be. Aside from the depression and therapy and everything else, Paul and I are in the middle of a break down and I just can’t add anything else on to my plate right now. It’s gay pride week in the city and I’m not planning on hanging out with any of my close friends. Sure, they’re all lesbians and they want to do different things than I would want to do. In the past, I would just go and do what they wanted to do, cuz there was no chance of them changing their plans for me. This year, I’m kind of sick of that shit, so I made my own plans and am going to hang out with guys instead of my best friends. I wish it weren’t that way, but it’s my only other option other than becoming a full blown lesbian. And I gotta tell you, no offense to you lesbos out there, but your community is rude and obnoxious and extremely hard to hang out with. As a gay man, I very RARELY feel comfortable in a group of you all. What the fuck is wrong with you bitches? Gay men NEVER do that to you. Oddly enough, I feel more comfortable in a straight bar. So, there it is. My friends will do what they want to do and I will hang out with the people I usually ditch for my best friends. Funny, cuz these “outside” friends of mine have gone to great lengths to include me and do what I want to do this week. Maybe it’s because we have similar interests or maybe it’s because they give a shit. Who knows. I’m a raging bitch today. Without a doubt. I’m so fucking tired of feeling like an outsider with my friends. I’m so fucking tired of never seeing them, having to just “understand” that they’re busy. Back in the day I used to switch friends every couple of years. It was really immature, but at times like this, I can fully understand why I did that. People can be so fickle and selfish. And I, honest to God, have fucking had enough of it. Some of my best friends are going away on my birthday. I still can’t explain how fucking angry I am at that. God forbid I EVER went away on one of their birthdays! In fact, I’m just the opposite. I go to great lengths for their birthdays and GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. How DARE I expect the same? Seriously, I’m so ready to tell my friends all to fuck off and just move on. Maybe it’s because I’m going through one of the hardest periods of my life and I don’t see anyone making any sort of effort to help me through it. Did I bring this on myself? Do I ask too much of people? Am I projecting my own bullshit on to them? I really don’t know yet. But what I do know is that I’m sick and tired of being a part of a “group” that is in no way a “group”. I’m sick of begging people to hang out with me. I’m sick of getting guilt trips for not doing what everyone ELSE wants to do. And most of all, I’m fucking sick and fucking tired of feeling like my friends care more about their fucking relationships than they do a guy that has been there for them for years. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. How did I end up here? |
